This picture is pretty funny for a few reasons. It looks all ‘intense-worship-session’ and it was, but when I first saw the picture (thank you Bel!), it looks weird that the background is of heavenly looking clouds. And then of course, I am wearing this like ‘haha’ tee-shirt. Okay enough said. Service was pretty insane and I have to say that it’s getting pretty mad because I can tell from my previous posts that sometimes a price has to be paid before you lead worship, it’s almost as if God has to reduce you to nothingness in order that we may lead the people to the places we’ve been which would be where He would want to take us.

I did not pick the life I now lead, but we take what is on our plates and we make do. Or, we do better. I’m so tired of making do that I want to do better. I walk with a limp but it is a miracle I even walk at all. And so sometimes, when I consider how things could have turned out, I force gratitude out of me knowing full well where I came from. T.D. Jakes said that it isn’t the age of a person that matters, but the mileage of his life.

With that, I’m just a kid still who’s trying to be happy. As much sadness there is being spilled all over this blog, it is merely an outlet for me to feel better, to have a listening ear and to be open, frank and myself. I run with friends who are doing the same, all starting out with good intentions and we walk carefully while looking out for one another at the same time. I’ve come to realize that I do not stand alone in the midst of my trials, and I say that with all sincerity. I’ve come to discover precious people who are in the exact same predicament as I am, who walk with the same injury but who walk nonetheless.

Drama talk aside, I’m crossing my fingers for December because this hasn’t been a good year for me and I’m keeping my heads up for december. I cannot be more stoked for YA camp and already we’ve got 80 people heading down and I’ve never been more expectant. Of course, Christmas just puts everyone in an estatic mood of Dark Cherry Mochas, peppermint frappes and parties. In the mean time, I’m gonna be an awesome best friend and spend my next few days trying to plan for Benassi’s birthday and do up his presents. I’m still awaiting for my hair to grow back and I’ll be starting work in my new job at the airport in next month! Stoked (:

I’m tired and very bored of typing dwn my thoughts. Good night (:

I’ve found a place caught in open arms, where Love’s embrace mends a broken heart; Here I will stay for all my days.

I don’t know why but I’m feeling completely drained. It just seems sometimes like it’s the hardest to stand on that stage and lead worship. It is the last thing I feel like doing and most times, the hardest thing to do. It’s not just as simple sometimes, it’s not just about singing a few songs or having charisma or performance, when you are up there, the irony (as always with God) is for us to dissolve and for Him to shine through.

It comes with a price and boy have I paid it long and hard, even enough for me to say that it is worth it. And just so we get it straight, I have been fighting hard. This week especially, I struggle with the awful side effects of dissonance. I kept wrestling with myself, with moving forward and struggling back and forth between God and my issue. And I feel so tired. So here I am, with only what’s left of a battle fought, war-torn needy child. I’m gonna give it my all and nothing less, and I’m counting on Him to do the same or better yet, even more.

Sing it out, take what is left of me and make it a melody. Sing out loud, I can’t find the words to sing, You be my remedy, my song.

Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously. The “ideas” or “cognitions” in question may include attitudes and beliefs, the awareness of one’s behavior, and facts. Dissonance normally occurs when a person perceives a logical inconsistency among his or her cognitions. This happens when one idea implies the opposite of another. Noticing the contradiction would lead to dissonance, which could be experienced as anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, embarrassment, stress, and other negative emotional states.

This is how I feel all the time, and on some days, the dissonance makes me want to kill myself. The sad thing is that, even if I do, that part of me never seems to die.

Okay, that was the only picture I got from last night. Trust me, last year’s show was more of a hoohaa mainly because the band has been through quite a bit and also because we were the exact same place, with the exact same food, and a few very familiar faces. The girls were insane as usual, they are so freakin awesome because everytime we perform, they run up to the stage to rock out with us and it’s such a joy to see that.

So, here’s some inside information. We actually did pretty cool version of some songs like Love Story, Umbrella (as usual), Apologize, Use Somebody (I sang in original key! I’m so proud of myself) and Voices by Saosin. I guess, all I want to say is that I really love performing. There is nothing like being on stage and hearing the sound of your band after all the hard work, there is nothing like seeing these strangers rock out so hard to a song that you wrote, and of course, nothing like making good music. For that, I love this band because we’ve grown to be perfectionists, we’ve grown to have polished ourselves through this year and I’m so proud of this band.

I just want to thank everyone for their support. I do not forget every single time people give feedback about our music because it is so important to me.

Thank you YiWen for making Perception, Not Intention one of your most top played and singing it back to me.Thank you Sean Lee for listening to 1000 versions of Battle and still loving it. Thank you Jaz for loving Running so much you play it constantly from our MySpace. Thank you Nelson for telling me that we’re doing a good job. Thank you Hosea for giving me insight. Thank you Joy and Lizzie for coming down to all our shows all the time just for the support. Thank you Mel Lee for all the encouragement! Thank you Shenna for your constant love and support. Thank you Char for everything you’ve done for this band, from helping us with taking photos to lugging Ben’s equipment to being the only one I saw headbang at the home club gig. Thank you Isaac for your feedback and valuable creative input, I trust your opinions with my life. Thank you Rachael for guiding me along the way and always telling me you’re proud of me. Thank you Vic for telling me that I’m a good song-writer. Thank you Phillip for being so selfless and so helpful. Thank you Chloe, Randi and Amanda for always coming down to support us.Thank you Emmanuel for loving the music and support! Thank you Josie for all the love. Thank you Gaius for giving me good advice and standing by me. Thank you Nicolette for your friendship. Thank you Shakeela for keeping in touch. Thank you Aunty Lorna for everything. Thank you ShuZhen for recording us. Thank you so much Luke Faulkner for giving us a night to shine. Thank you so much SAC. Oh, and even thank you for NUS who wanted us to play, and to SMU who gave us an interesting stage to play on.

Thank you Rachel for all the jokes and it’s been a great year singing with you and shitting out killer melodies, harmonies and gossiping through our in-ear monitors. You are really a hero because you’re the only girl in the band with a voice from God knows where. 

Thank you Ben Lim for teaching us how to nail it technically and how important it is to be good at what we do.

Thank you Lem for working hard, and for making this band work. Plus showing us what life is like having various food comas and bellies with abs.

Thank you Isaac for your working so hard for our demos, our live sound and all you’ve sacrificed for us. You are an insane sound engineer and I would have no one else.

Thank you Marcus for being the absolutely best drummer I know, for every single one of your cold jokes (that make me laugh) and all the 1000kg of food we’ve consumed together this year.

Thank you Ben Choo for being my best friend and being a creative musical genius. Thank you for the tolerance, the praying and everytime I see you beside me on stage, I know I’ve got all the support I need.

Thank you God for this band (:

We are one year old. And for now till the end of year, we’ll be taking a hiatus and enjoy the beautiful december. We’ll see where 2010 takes us!

I promise a decent post tomorrow! Wait for me!